todayy is the dayy of the superbowl. and all i can think about is how last superbowl we was so happy. we planned jobbed and didnt even no we did. one whole year has gone by and so much things has changed. but one thiing still stands. i still love you. no matter what girl i meet. i always just end up missing you more. especially your own cousin telling me things about you. how you guys still talk about me and all these things. he asked me if i truely was over you. and honestly before that night i thought i truely was. but all the feeling just came rushing back. like it was hiding some where. us not settling things is just making this [     ] unexplanable thing bigger. like this growing feeling of uneasiness is growing. i just want to make peace with you already. i just want everything to be good. like how it use to be. but i know it can never be the same. i know its basically impossible for us having a future to be friends or anything. but a guy can hope.

sooooo i seen you at winterwonderland. obviouslyyyy but thats not what i meant. i meann i caught you. staring straight at me. like you was phasing out looking at me or something. i just turned away but i seen it. idk why but you looked sad. you was sitting alone so many times. and aalll i can think about was if i knew what i know now, back then. id never leave your side. but i still do wonder. how is your life. are you having fun repeating everything you did w/ him? 

atleast i can say i tried something new for a year. i tend to fuck up time to time. but atleast im not repeating mistakes. but instead making new ones. i really learned not to give a fuck. im done playing mind games w/ childish girls. (not talking bout you)

and atleast now i have friends i can truely count on. and i they no they can count on me. scratch that more like brothers! we may not be the perfect people but were still one bad asss crew.

im just gonna end this w/ saying. feb.8. lets see how that goes.

urinevennoe, 

the way it supposed to work is, the longer time passes the more and more i get over you, not the more i have dreams about you, the more i think of you. i feel like for the longest ive been ignoring all thoughts of you, ive been in so much denial, ive builded it all up, and now i feel like it just exploded. out of all days today i cant get you out of my fuckin mind. i watched movies about married people and blahh and all i think about is that could of been us. i hate these fucking thoughts. i just want you out of my head. i know i still love you. i cant deny that. but i just wish i would stop. this isnt fair anymore. this karma is so fucked up. no matter if im happy with someone else or think im over it. feelings for you sneak the fuck up and ruins everything. im getting sick of sleeping and having dreams about you. every single fucking day. i just wish all of this would go away.

i know now that back then i wasnt ready, and i still dont think im ready, but one day i will be, and i know who ever that girls gonna be, im gonna treat her right. i know im capable of doing so. no matter if its you or if its not. ive made all my mistakes and im pretty sure im done doing so. 

you probably dont hear shit about me anymore, or maybe you hear bad stuff but i really dont give a fuck. ill set it straight. today is october 18. i havent rolled since the beginning of august. i havent been to the club since ending of august. i havent smoked weed in a long time. i still drink sometimes but not as much as before. i dont really party anymore. i ride my fixie w/ andrew and jeff. i lost my job last month for stupid reasons and ive got it back and im doing better at it. not including vegas, september was a fucked up month. and im making the best of october by getting my shit together w/ work and all that. lifes pretty much boring. i go to work, i go home, i hang out w/ friends like twice a week. on my days off i sleep all day. and watch netflix. my point im getting to is. im tired of that 21yearold phase. rolling and all that shit dont excite me anymore. maybe thats why your just popping in my fucking head all the time. and im pretty sure the next person i get serious w/ will be the person im gonna spend my life w/. like i said. ive made my mistakes, ive partied till i basically got tired of it. and im going down that hill of being serious w/ my life. idk i wanna thank you. if it wasnt for going up and down w/ you i wouldnt of experienced life. i wouldnt of felt what the top of the world felt, and i wouldnt of felt rock bottom. from my experience i now know what the best feeling is. its not partying, its not the beginning of a relationship where you think your happy. its actually going through that psycho phase. were you argue for dumb things and you make up after. for some reason after having our relationship and having thoguhts about it. the psycho phase is what i think about most. like the time i stayed out and you were at my house at 3am waiting. idk why but thinking bout it now. i liked that phase. cause i think about if you get past that you can get past anything. i know right now were strangers again. but if we do ever cross pathes i know ill marry you. cause we basically over came everything. and if not then. tuff shitt, 

but yah this is the longest ive been without you. and from going down hill and hitting rock bottom, i can say now im proud of my self from climbing back up. and i can say right now you can be proud of me. ive overcome so much obsticles you dont even know. and i did it on my own. not having you to catch me everytime i fuck up, or not having you to rely on really made me stronger. you not being here made me stronger. from rock fucking bottom w/ no one to help i survived. and i hope your still that independent person i made you.  because no one wants a needy person. and from what czhars mom says, your reverting back to needy psysho person. 

so my advice, be the person i made you to be. youll get farther in life. :)

the old me, the one you could predict would of called you today or try to do something stupid. but thats not the case anymore. its been exactly 3 months since we last was on good terms, the 9th was the day we argued infront of your house. these past 3 months was like a roller coaster ride, my feelings towards you had its highs and lows, i got outta control at some points, not having you to control me had its goods and bads, and when someone else tries to tell me what to do i just dont give a fuck. after you i really dont believe in love no more, being with someone else is fun, but repeating all the stuff i did for you to someone else is boring. i always end up comparing you to them. i hate when i have brainvomit. like when out of nowhere you just pop into my head. the worse one is when i have dreams about you. i hate waking up knowing that its not true. or never gonna happen. right now im pretty content with my life, i hit rock bottom and now im just building from that, its not easy but im trying, for the most part im happy, i have fun with the friends i have, im a workaholic and enjoy working. i found someone who could keep my mind off of you. up until she kinda went psycho on me, but that was interesting. i guess the only thing that kills my joy is when you pop into my head. i want it to be over with already. today was kinda dumb, i almost went through the whole day not knowing it was the 08. then someone had to go and kill it and ask me what today was. kill joy foreals, thens when i got off work and started my car, kill joy again. some dumbass requested “with you” who does that. what an asshole. lol but anyways like yah ill admit ill always love you. you were my first love. your the person who made me the person i am today. ill love you no matter how much you hate my guts. if you ever need ill be there. but thats bout it. i dont wanna be with you. or atleast thats what i feel. but it would be nice if we wasnt on such bad terms. i realized after almost dying. what if something were to happen to one of us. like what if i past away. or vice versa, we would never have the chance to see eachother again. i dont think i could live with my self knowing your gone forever and the last time we had a conversation was us fighting. idk bout you but that would suck. before i die i want to have peace with you. i guess you can call it closure. we never had that. i mean were living different lives but knowing how we ended still bothers me. i had a dream we had lunch, we asked eachother how our life was and all that. we was our goofy selfs, acting all tough. making like we mad and whatever then just laughed. we talked about how our lives was going good. we admited at times we still had thoughts about each other but we were content with what we had, it felt so real. waking up to that sucked though. but idk i feel someday we should go eat lunch for reals and catch up. you can return the stuff of mine you still have. like the spare keys to the hatch. i would like my hello kitty iphone4 case too. cause i have my very own white iphone now. idk i guess one day when im ready ill bother you. its when your gonna least expect it. idk care if you hate me im still gonna do it. you know me, i love to fuck around. cause im out of that moping downing phase. being emo and stuff isnt me. its more fun when i fuck around and make everything as a joke. it pisses you off. but yups thanks for the birthday greet on my bday. it was so nice of you to greet me telepathically. your the greatest. :) i thought about acting stupid and bothering you on my bday. i thought about calling you to tell me happybday. but i didnt. it would of been funny. but anyways so like the day after my bday my cousin brian got married and i got to see my family from kauai. my grandma asked were you was. she remembers you and meeting you that time she came over. she wanted to see you again but i told her we broke up cause your crazy. lol. then i told her i was joking. amazingly my cousin from kauai remembers you too because 3 years ago when i went to kauai when we were first talking i told her about you and showed her your pic. she remembers me on the phone with you and arguing. (i remember bout that. that was the warren days) yeah she was amazed you were the same girl from so long ago. even jenny asked were u was. it pretty much was a ask jayzel where val is fest. like i said before your the only one my family knows about. my cousins wedding was interesting though. brian and his wife used to be lovers when they were young. they broke up and she had a baby with another guy. and after all that they got back together and now there married. i guess that makes me wonder how life is gonna be in the future. will we ever get back? or will we ever be friends? will we be happy with our lives. or maybe will we be dead. watching there wedding made me realize anything can happen. i guess only time will.

honestly im trying to move on. trying to make due with the life i have. i no its not perfect but im trying, trying the best i can to be happy with everything i have in my life. i work like 6 days a week, spend time w/ friends when i can. and even try to forget you by spending time w/ someone that wants to take a chance w/ me. i honestly thought things were going good. i mean im getting back on track w/ work, chilling w/ friends that matter, and importantly someone else but you that cares. but fuck idk why but i think im fucked up in the head. i mean even after hitting rock bottom and trying build from it all i can think about is you. today just sucked. 4th of july and all i can think about is you. how we slept ove alas w/ intrigue them last year, and how you brought me to work and we went back afterwards, and how you got so drunk and everything. i basically been so anti today. i didnt really talk to anyone. all i can think about was you. its so annoying but i cant stop my feelings towards you. thats not even the worst part. when i slept last night i had a dream i was at someones house chilling and some how you was there w/ patricks gf and then some how me and you ended up outside arguing and talking about how life was and all that shit. like wtf does that supposed to mean. then it got interupted when my dad came in and woke me up. i really dont know how your life is right now. and i kinda dont wanna know. i really wanna move on. be happy w/ someone else, and learn from all the shit we been through but my head isnt letting me. instead of learning from mistakes my head is just repeatedly reminding me of everything. i brought my co worker home in waimanalo. and driving back i rememered going around the island. stopping at the gas station by 711, and just that whole around the island trip. i really wanna forget everything. all the memories we had i just wanna forget and move on but my head aint letting me. idk if its because your the best girl i ever had or whatever, this is just so annoying. its just fucking w/ my head. i mean i really think we need closure or something. idk what to do. i think about getting back w/ you. and how thats never gonna work out cause our lives are so different now. and i think about moving on to different things. and somehow im still stuck between the 2. another shitty thing that happended today was my co worker was talking about how his gf just gave birth. and like we asked him how old he was. and he said 24. some how i just remember how we was supposed to get married when i was 24. i was supposed to be done w/ partying and all that shit and i was supposed to be finishing up school and i was gonna purpose to you. but i guess that aint happening. i even told my co workers about it. we would of been together for like 6-7 years by then. thinking bout all of this sucks, the fact that were just back were we started w/ different people, and thinking about if even have a chance w/ eachother in the future or even if were even gonna cross paths some day. idk why today was just a fucked up day for me but i really wish i could forget. but i come to realize, even though life moves on, memories last forever. even though u try to forget. and trust me when i say. i just wanna forget.

honestly im trying so hard to live a life w/out you. its so hard, it seems like i try everything. i try not to think about you but i cant control my thoughts. you just pop in my head so much. i try to go out, have fun, do my thing, but it doesnt help. i cant even talk to other girls, its not that i dont have the opportunities, i just dont feel like it. i dont want anyone else. i wish things were different. i wish everything wasnt like this. i wish i didnt over react that day and didnt say all that shit i didnt mean. atleast that way we would be this apart. the only thing i can get from all of this is what not to do. so i can treat you, or the next person right. 

i confess, growing up i was a lonely child, i have no siblings, when i came to hawaii when i was 3 i lived w/ my cousins jenny, brian, and boy. they made me feel so left out. like they hated me. especially boy. and till this very day i still hate him. brian and i never talked but in ways we were alike so i kinda got along w/ him. and jenny she was cool at times, overall living there sucked. so me and my mom moved near topee them. even there growing up i still felt left out. id hang out w/ the kids there but i felt i wasnt as close to them as they are w/ eachother. even through highschool when i started chilling w/ henry andrew them. i still didnt feel close to them. the truth is i can get close to people but deep down inside i always felt alone. even till this day. i cruise w/ jay them. i still feel im not close to them. even mark and there whole click. theres a certain extent to were i feel wanted. idk i jsut feel like im not good enough for all the friends i have, and thats why i try so hard to be a nice friend. so i can make that bond that i see they have w/ eachother. i hate feeling left out. left behind. not important. when you told me you thought i choose friends over you. that wasnt true. i was just tryna furfill my life goal and make true friends, and for you. i wasnt tryna take you for granted. that wasnt what i was tryna do. the truth is i loved you so much, and i thought you loved me too so i figured youll be there for me. i thought you loved me enough to let me find true friends. but instead you took it the wrong way and didnt even trust me w/ my friends cause i spent to much time w/ them. 

like i said, growing up i always felt alone. even when im in a crowd i still felt alone. even sorrounded by friends i felt alone. i feel like this because i grew up alone. i strive for peoples attention. thats the truth. its cause im alone inside. but when i met you and continued a relationship w/ you i thought i wasnt alone anymore. i thought i had you to complete my lonliness. at times i had doubt about you. but time and time you pulled through to prove you was the one i can count on. so yah i just thought you were gonna be there no matter the dumb things i do. like finding true friendship. this lonely boy just wanted a wife to be there for him. and true friends that also there. is it selfish of me to have friends and you? but time and time its always one or another, and i was just tryna put 2 and 2 together. but no. now im stuck here back where i started. no true friends, and no you. 

and another thing i noticed about you. did you ever wonder why i tried so hard for you to go out w/ friends and stuff? you thought it was so i can go out but thats not true. ever since i met you you havent had that steady best friend. come to think of it i never seen you get super close to any of your bestfriends. i wanted you to experience a best friend. a friend that youll always be so close w/ thats not 2 face and always be there for you. cause its the same goal i had for my self. i wanted you to have true friends and love.

just know that your the one i would sacrifice everything for. cause even if were not together now. i still love you even if your gone. because your the first girl i felt that connection w/. you changed my life. you loved me for who i was. who i am. and i know deep down deep inside when you see me you know you feel the same way. like this quote says: “Just cuz you gave up on someone/something that’s dear to you, doesn’t mean that it is long gone from your heart. Cuz no one would throw away something that was once a big part of who you are now…. “

you ever wonder what would happen if we had a conversation with eachother. like a decent one. not the kine where your telling me you dont want to talk to me. but a conversation. like to catch up. or have i ever crossed your mind? you know when were together at the same place, people catch you side eyeing me. true story. so makes me wonder what goes through that thick skull of yours. its so funny like how we think we dont have things in common. but in reality were the same. we do the same dumb stuff. we know how eachother thinks. we have the same temper, we have a psychic ability to color our hair on the same day and same style. same bad driving, same so much shit. its like k we have the same friends and when im there your not cause i take your place. and when im gone you take my place. like were the same person. like your my mirror or something. but you know there was so much things that made us perfect together. like we both skinny.  then theres the cars, then theres our style, then theres our attitude. then theres our psychic ability. and so on. 

idk whats gonna happen. im not over you. im a fuck up. but one thing you can trust is ill always love you from the bottom of my toes. 

——btw everytime i hear that dynasty song i just laugh. you know why.

this morning, for the first time in a long time i felt like i was gonna die, not be cause i was trying to kill my self, but just cause i was super sick, and all i can think about was if i should send you that the last text ill ever get to make. i seriously wrote it, deleted it, wrote it again and stared at the screen for 10 minutes. i thought about it so hard if your even gonna care if im dying. as you can see, i didnt send it to you. ill save that goodbye text for you when im in the E.R.

i know everyone goes through heartbreaks. i see it all around me. people break up. people get back together, people move on. people find other people. others find confort w/ new people. people fall in love again. its possible. i see it with other people everyday. i just thought you wasnt like that. i got comfortable  looking at you at the type to always be in love w/ me. i took that for granted. i pushed you to the point where im not important in you life. i mean i wasnt your first love so i dont think you know where im coming from. ive done so much unforgivable things and it just hurts knowing how dumb i was. i mean the futures not set. we could die on december 21 2012. or even may 21 2012, and we might live on longer. the future is hazy we could get back together. we could build a friendship. basically skys the limit. this could be a phase. cause for some reason all of this feels like dejavu. we might come out out of this stronger. will never no yet. i mean im not gonna lie. im against someone that is perfect. i really cant compete w/ him. all i know is i just love you. and its holding me back from letting you go. this isnt even a front to get pay back. or to show im cool or anything. its just how i really feel. cruising w/ other people getting devorced, or people who has t.r.o. on others makes me compare our relationship. and ours was nothing like theres. ours was just bittersweet. we loved eachother at different times, and we wasnt nsync’d. truth though. we was perfect for eachother. there was so much signs to show that. and i still found a way to fuck it up. i dont know how to explain it. but you know we just have that connection. like when we talk to eachother its different from talking to other people. some how the natural way you talk to me is to bitch at me. and when you talk to me you have a higher standard of me to act a certain way and when i dont you just get mad or drop me. we may find other people. but we will always have that bond. its like i gaurentee you when we see eachother no matter how fucked the situation is we can just smile just by looking at eachtothers eyes. its proven so much times. even at our last conversation. and thats why you know you cant face me. its like that instant connect. its been what, 2 weeks? lets see what happens when we see eachother. and its funny how we have all the same friends but never in the same place. like if im there i replace you and when im not there you replace me. in a disfunctional way we complete eachother. that bond is so fucked up but its like were the same person. and you know when it comes to me your like psychic. its not even about us knowing us so well. its just we have that feeling. you may deny it but its true. you just cant say it. unlike me. i just write whatever i feel on here so i say the truth. you probaly dont even read the shit i write on here anyways but i know when you do you get the feeling. that feeling that only me and you share. no one knows. its not the memories we shared. or the time we was w/ together. its just were the same person just in different bodies. we share the same friends. we act the same way. like were shy to people we dont know. were dicks to people on the road. were loud and were to our friends. we dont tolerate people we dont like. we say this and that about how we want shit but do the complete opposite. our tempers are pretty fucked up. we like the same shit. our prides are pretty up there. we hold grudges alot. and love to run away from our problems instead of facing them. and were both easily influenced by others. i mean if this wasnt true then why is when ever we broke up before it would always cause the main spilt up in the old xf. when ever we would break up. the whole group goes into chaos. if you thought about all of this you would know it. cause even though you try to force me out of your life that just wont work. try get past me, you know it„ i know it. everyone who knows anything knows it. its not gonna happen. 

idk how much days its been but its not getting any easier. i still miss you so much. i cant remember any of the bad things so you can get out of my head. its like even if i go out and theres girls around i have no interest what so ever. i feel so anti social too. i havent been to work in like 5 days. just cause i feel so fucking depressed. i really wish things werent like this. id rather have you as a friend or something. cause this just sucks. i want to call you so bad. but i know its wrong. is it really bad of me to feel this way. to love you so much. i mean i cant help my self i love everything about you. i love how your so bitchy. i love how your so sweet. i love how your there for me. i mean your not here for me now. but i know some day when i really need you youll pull through. oh and i think its been 5 days too that i havent been on facebook. i deactivated it cause i feel i shouldnt be on it. i wonder how your doing. i always do. i hope your doing fine. living your life happy. thats all i want. for you to be happy. hope your not drinking to much or anything. i really do wish we were talking again though. i mean just having a decent conversation you know. for some reason every night i always have dreams of you. i cant get it out my head. like i had a dream that jeff was calling me to go to work and i just looked at my phone and didnt answer and you was on the side of me telling me to answer my phone. every night its a different dream but your always in it. and i just dont ever want to wake up. cause when i wake up life is just so lame. reality just sucks. so harold told us he was talking to kin and like something like she fucked him over again or something or whatever and he was like he’s not gonna talk to her anymore. which is probably bullshit cause he cant resist her and then jay went out side so i went too and i asked him like how he so fucking happy. like he’s the only who hasnt has girl troubles. he so content doing his thing. and he was like its because its been like a year and a half since he was in a serious relationship. he told me he has been in the same position as us. he know the pain and the reason he lives his life is cause of it. he has been through alot of shit w/ remalyn and he rather live his life the way it is cause he doesnt wanna be in drama. i really dont understand how he does it though. like his lifestyle seems okay but idk i just feel like i cant be like him. like i love the drama you put me through. with you it feels like im living. being important to some one and doing all you can to be with them is living. to me thats happiness. being single and just doing nothing is like sitting still in time. its not that fun. i mean im a fool to be waiting for you. but i really dont care. i am a fool. im your fool. and i will continue to be that fool. its cause i just love you so much. and i cant help the way i feel. even though my temper is fucked up. after that settles down the love i feel for you kicks in. seriously i just dont feel the same way to anyone else. in conclusion i dont think i ever could cheat on you. i dont think i could ever want another girl. this isnt me loving the thought of you. this is me having real feelings. i dont know how to express it to you or show you right now. but soon ill show you. but for now i guess im just stuck writing everything down on here. 

nd btw i watched a movie and the word “tryst” came up. and it just reminded me of you.

Were here at portlock. Just us boys and all I can think of is u just wanna jump off. I can remember us coming here. When the white people jumped off the rock. I just wanna do it. I feel so weak without u and it’s all that gies through my head. I really miss you so much and it I can’t take this. It’s fucking hard. I remember us coming here. During the day. And I wonder to my self. Are we gonna come here agai one day. I dot understand how when we and you ate together we have a good time and when were not we just are bad. I don’t understand so much about you. Do you really have no feelings for me. I just felt so bad today I didn’t even go to work. I no call no show just cause I felt so stupid. I don’t even know if I wanna go in tomorrow. I feel so out of place. I just wanna quit. I really feel I have no purpose in this life. I just want you in my life. Even if were just friends. I really can’t take this. It’s to hard. U think about how I left you and how thats the biggest mistake of my life. Then I think about the day infront of your house and how that was a stupid mistake too. I really wish u would talk to me. It’s the last thing I wanna do if I were to die. I really wonder how life will turn out in the future. I really think friends dint even matter any more. They just remind me of temporary happiness. They take my mind off you until there gone. and even if they’re still there I still think of you. We was at chubs house earlier for a BBQ and they was singing kareoke and they made me feel so bad. Every song they sang they used my name and you name in the lyrics. Everyone was sayint it. Jay, jojo, mark, brandon, rod, fanseka, etc. Even junel was like ho dicks. It’s so hard to think of you. The fucked up part was I still remembered 9527 without looking in the book that that song is in bended knees. Then when we played it the lyrics made me feel so sad. How can us spending time going to eat at cpk, going to alewa look out, and other stuff not mean anything to you. How can anything not mean anything to you. Almost the last 4 years with you reminds so much about you. I just want things to get better between us. I want you to realize I do mean something to you. Idk know how that’s possible but I just want it to happen. I just hate how everything is now. Jay is even mad at me. I didn’t go and celebrate his bdy with him. Cause truthfully I was down the road of your house for 3 hours waiting till everyone left so I could give you your gift. And I still didn’t get to talk to you. Mark slept the whole time and I just waited. I missed out on my closest friends party for you. And honestly I don’t even care he is mad at me. Cause to me your more important. Idk what it is about you. I just love you to much. And if there was a time machine I would go back and never have hurt you. I would never have taken you for granted. I would of always treat you right. Cause truth is I want to marry you. I want my whole future with you. My life revolves around you. You are my everything. Always and forever. Valerie Ashley galardo carrancho asuncion please remember all our good times. Cause I love you so much. And never want to hurt you.